The dream. You wake up one morning, you take that test, you see that word.. PREGNANT. A mix of emotions come over you. Happiness, joy, disbelief, then.... fear. It hits you. You are now your mother. You are now the person who's job it is to help a tiny little person become an amazing adult. That's alot of pressure. For the next 9 months you buy tiny clothes, make lists, birth plans, go to classes, read books, eat foods you normally would never eat because the doctor says they are good for baby, you rest and dream and hope and imagine. What will she look like? What will he sound like? Who will she want to be? Who will he be? The worry and whys mix in with the hopes and dreams. Then comes that moment. You hear that first cry. This tiny amazing perfect creature is placed on your chest. You look at her, she looks at you and like a bolt of lightning you are hit with the most amazing, breath taking, world stopping love. A love like you have never known or dreamed was possible. I mean you loved that guy in high school right? World was going to end when you broke up. But then you met that man. The one you dreamed of. You married him and you could never imagine loving anyone as much as you love him. Then as you are looking at your child you realize you never knew how strong love could be.
Then it happens. The let you take her home. What are they, crazy? Do they understand what they are doing? Seriously, have they met you? You let the milk spoil, you let the gas tank get so low that you find yourself leaning forward on the way to the gas station because you know that just the force of you doing that will propel your car forward enough to get you there. You lock your keys in the car, forget to mail thank you notes, leave your towels on the floor. They are just giving you a baby? Have they lost their minds? But they do. They clip that little bracelet off that tiny chubby arm, remove that little baby low jack that keeps someone from walking off with her and they put her in your arms. Congratulations and Good Luck! what they don't say is "you're gonna need it."
Then your life together, as a family, begins. You ask your mother for advice which she gives, freely. They grow, they thrive and you start to think, hey yeah I got this. I am a mommy ROCKSTAR! Then one day the phone rings. You can't breathe. Your child was in danger. Something has happened and they assure you that your child is safe but there was a moment, just a brief second in their lives where they were in danger, where their little minds are changed forever, they learn that no matter where they are or who they are with they are never 100% safe. You have known this her whole life but you never wanted her to see it. Sure she knows that bad things happen, in other places, to other people. She has always felt safe.
This is one of those times where you wonder if teaching them to be brave, stand up for what is right, speak up when something feels wrong, were the right thing to do. You hear that she saw something and spoke up, she stood strong and gave her statement in a room with all these adults including the police and she was so brave but you were not there. You could not hold her hand or wrap her in your arms and protect her. You feel so very proud and so helpless at the same time. You want to tell her how proud you are and how brave she is and that she did the right thing. Then inside your head that little mommy voice is screaming "tell her to NEVER do that again. the brave ones get hurt. The brave ones become targets!"
So what do you do? How do you react? What type of person do you want her to be? This world is a scary dangerous place. We want people to stand up to the bullies, to go to the teacher if they hear a threat, tell the police what they know when something happens, but we don't want our child in danger. So what do you do? Sorry. I don't have that answer. I have been asking myself that same question all night. I keep hearing this little voice saying "remember, the only thing evil needs to thrive is for good men to do nothing". What if we all tell our kids, "stay out of it. mind your own business." What happens to the world they have to grow up in? What happens to the world that they will one day bring your grandchildren in to?
We have always told our daughter to be brave, stand up to the bullies, you hear about someone having a weapon at school you tell someone fast. If a police officer asks you a question you answer him with a strong clear voice. We want her to know that yes this is a scary world sometimes but we want her to know she can be brave. We wish that nothing like this will ever touch her and if we are honest with ourselves when or if a situation like a child with a weapon at school ever happens in your child's school you find yourself shocked. How did this happen at YOUR school, in YOUR town? This happens in other places but not here. We have all fooled ourselves into thinking this way. Protecting ourselves from the bad things. Sure bad things happen but we live in Mayberry. Nothing bad happens here. So when the reality hits you question everything you have ever thought, everything you have ever taught your child. Mayberry disappears back into the black and white world of TV Land.
So raising a brave child in a crazy world? I hope we are. I pray we are. I know that when she does the right thing I am filled with pride but also with fear. I think today, I will let the pride win. I will let the feeling of grabbing my amazing beautiful daughter and hiding her in her room for the next 20 years be pushed away. She is going to grow up, nothing I can do to stop that. So that brings me back to the same question I asked all those years ago as she was growing inside me. Who will she be?
