Heaven has a new angel....

I feel like when you have faith in the Lord there are few things in this life that are truly scary.

Then I became the mom to preemies.

No matter how big they are or how small

How well you are told they are doing

Or how many times you are told it doesn't look good

It all begins to roll together into one prayer

Lord PLEASE protect my child.

In April 2009 Shayne and I were expecting a precious long prayed for gift.

Identical twins.

We had celebrated, told the WORLD, made plans, fallen in love.

Then on a normal Tuesday, sun shining, people going about their lives, working in their yards, walking their dogs, pushing their kids on swings we sat in a dark room staring at a tv screen in disbelief as they searched and hunted for 2 tiny flickers. 2 tiny heartbeats that were there 4 days before beating strong and yet today they were not. Our babies had been taken from us. I have never felt that sort of pain and anger and sadness. We had waited so long and prayed SO hard. the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away... that didn't help. Grief seems to small a word. I was destroyed. A bomb had just been dropped into my happy world. I couldn't move, couldn't speak couldn't breathe.



Months went by and the world around me moved on as if nothing had changed. but my world was forever changed. I now knew the heartache of loosing a child. For the longest time I felt guilty thinking that way. After all I had not given birth to these girls, I had not looked in their eyes or held them in my arms so who was I to feel this way?

Then one day I was told by someone that no one loss is greater or less than another and when you loose a child or in my case children no matter when it happens if it is 12 weeks into a pregnancy, 12 minutes, hours days, months or years after birth the pain is real and it is ok to feel it. A life was there one moment and not the next. You loved that baby just as much in that moment as you would the day you were taken home to be with the Lord.

That was a dark day but nothing prepared me for the fear that came with becoming a mom of preemies. There is a special bond we all share, the knowledge of how quickly things can go from not only good to better to great but from bad to worse to hopeless. We come together to share our lives and support each other, we go from newbie shaken and new to this world of NICU's and medical terms and wires and tubes and beeps and alarms to being veterans who if you are lucky sit and support while watching your preemie run around acting crazy and being so happy. Then something happens and your world is shaken again. Someone who may live in the same city or the same state or may be 100's or 1000's of miles away or even in a different part of the world has to say goodbye. Your heart breaks in ways you never thought possible. You ask how can I help what can I do? You pray for strength and for peace on your heart and you pray for comfort for your friend. It doesn't seem like enough but it is all you have.

Isaiah 40:31 tells us "But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

How amazing is that. Through our pain and grief we will rise up on wings like eagles. The Lord renews us and restores our strength... just when we feel like we cannot cry one more tear, take one more step the Lord lifts us up, he dries our tears, he carries us until we can stand again. Peace is restored.

Yesterday heaven got a new angel. Madilynn Lee was welcomed into the Kingdom by her new friends Lucy Ann and Juliet who left me April 27th 2009 and have been resting in the Fathers arms waiting for me to join them. The tears on earth have fallen from so many while in heaven the songs of praise and thanksgiving rang out. Our children are whole, they are safe, they are healthy. There is no sadness and no pain. Only Peace.

My prayer this morning and every morning to come is that the members of this club, the ones who have said goodbye when they wanted to hold on so much longer, 1 more minute, 1 more hour, 1 more day, 1 more year, 1 lifetime it would never be enough, feel the love of their friends and family and most of all their Father. It takes time to heal and love and trust but He is going no where. He will be there to pick us up and carry us when the road is to long, to hard, to broken. One day their hearts will know peace.